A few jokes

BillN

Hall of Famer
Aug 25, 2010
S W France
Bill
Which I hope make you smile

I have omitted a few and clean up some as I know what a "sensitive" "stateside" lot you are on here


My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face


My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's,
his little face lit up when he tried to walk..
Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.


Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen,
'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?'
I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat person, I was talking to the cat!'


I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail.
I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'
 

BillN

Hall of Famer
Aug 25, 2010
S W France
Bill
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in.
Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........

"What . .. . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"
 
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BillN

Hall of Famer
Aug 25, 2010
S W France
Bill
One for the English football supporters

Roy Hodgson has set up a friendly match against Iceland to try to cheer up our fans.......If we beat them we'll go on to play Tesco and then Asda.


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and fans of pop songs

"I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid...then I was petrified"
 

Jock Elliott

Hall of Famer
Jan 3, 2012
Troy, NY
The gypsy woman looked up from her crystal ball and said, "I'm sorry, madam, but sometime in the coming year your husband will die a sudden, violent death."

The woman across table thought for a moment, then asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

Cheers, Jock
 
Nov 11, 2011
Milwaukee, WI USA
Luke
that reminds me of one my Dad used to tell (when he had a memory).

A woman is being fitted for a wedding dress while preparing to marry for the fourth time.

The woman who is fitting her says, "I hope it's not rude to ask, but what happened with your first husband".

The bride-to-be says "He ate some poison mushrooms and died".

"Oh, how awful......what about your second husband"

"The same thing, he ate poison mushrooms and died"

"Oh heavens, I'm not even sure I should ask, but how about your third husband"

"He died of a broken neck"

"How did that happen?"

"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms"
 

Richard

Top Veteran
Feb 1, 2013
Marlow, UK
A tortoise is out walking when he is mugged by a gang of snails.

Afterwards he goes to the police station to report the crime. The police ask him to give a detailed account of the incident.

He replies, "Well, it's hard to say really. It all happened so quickly"

-R
 

Jock Elliott

Hall of Famer
Jan 3, 2012
Troy, NY
A snail glides into a Nissan dealership. "I want to buy a 370Z," he announces.

"Fine," says the salesman, "What color do you want?"

"Red," says the snail, "but before you deliver it, I have one request: I want to you to change all the 370Z insignias to read 370S."

"Why," says the salesman. "Nissan has spent decades building the Z-car brand. Z-cars are known the world over for high performance."

"Yes," says the snail, "but when I drive down the street, I want people to say: 'Look at that S car go."

Cheers, Jock
 

BillN

Hall of Famer
Aug 25, 2010
S W France
Bill
Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy's got a bag of doughnuts in his hand.

Mick says to Paddy, "If I can guess how many doughnuts are in your bag, can I have one?"

Paddy says "If you get it right, you can have them both"

Mick says "four?"

and

Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.

”Bugger that!" says Mick. "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
 

BillN

Hall of Famer
Aug 25, 2010
S W France
Bill
Sorry if these are taking fun out of the Irish - they are not really, the Irish are marvellous people - it's just what happens in the UK - maybe in the future it will be stopped because it could be regarded as not politically correct
 

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