Health Matters

It seems that I might be going to receive my brother's (serviced) E-M1 MkI, 12-40 Pro, 40-150 f/2.8 and f/2.8 60 macro, along with a few other precious mementos, an anthology of poetry he made.

Along with a lifetime of memories of the best big brother anyone could wish for. His funeral service was today.

He donated his brain to science to study the brain cancers he had.

He lived a good life, and I am very sad at his death.
I'm so sorry for your great loss. Losing a sibling is losing a part of yourself.
 
I've been avoiding sharing this topic as I didn't want to cause any trouble on the forum or bother others too much. As hard as I try to be alright things have gotten very difficult to manage. On the 29th of last month, it was my baby's anniversary and she would have been 3 years old this year. Every summer for the last 3 years now I have started getting severe depression episodes at the start of the summer and in August it gets the worst, emotional issues I can handle at times and they are easier to hide or go through until they pass away. But when it affects me physically it can be close to debilitating not being able to take deep breaths, hyperventilating, hand tremors and heart palpitations that I can feel even in my temples and on my jugular vein.
The anxiety medication I take is helping my baseline level of anxiety and I have a bit quicker recovery from anxiety attacks but I can still reach the peak in the worst-case scenarios. One minor case gave me quite a punch 3 weeks ago and one week late,r right before my yearly week off in August (26th to 1st), I had a really bad situation and it pushed me off into very severe depression and anxiety attack and had my 2nd suicide attempt this year. I spent the night crying on my dog on the couch so much that I had to give her a bath in the morning because she was soaked in tears and blood. I did not end up in the hospital and I am recovering fine on my own, the week off I barely got out of the house and mostly to walk my dog which gave me some space to get my anxiety lower. Today I had another depression episode and I felt like my chest and my muscles were being crushed and I could hardly breathe, luckily it lasted only a few hours but I feel exhausted emotionally.

I am waiting from Cruise Bereavement for therapy after Somerset Foundation House asked me to contact them while I wait for them for therapy as well, which might happen sometime this month or next month. I will contact my GP tomorrow morning to see if I can double my medication with their consent and try to stabilise but with medication, I am always worried about the impact it might have on my motivation and creativity (which is down the drain as it is right now anyway).

At the moment the most helpful thing I have found is to keep my mind off by playing some old favourite games from my childhood, Command & Conquer 3: Tiberium Wars and the expansion Kane's Wrath. I got Red Dead Redemption for my Nintendo Switch as I never got to play the game since it was an XBox exclusive for such a long time and I've been playing that as well.

I wish I could say I know how to fix myself or how I can be better but I don't, if I did I would have tried years ago. All I can do is try to keep this broken sinking ship afloat with tape and cork plugs even though it keeps getting new holes and takes on more water. One more month and I get my yearly October time off and maybe just maybe I can find the will to do some autumn landscape photography and get some macro shots of mushrooms before the annual winter depression sinks in from all the dull grey and almost no daylight with constant rain.

I am really sorry if this will upset anyone as it is a very dark and difficult topic (I can delete the post if it does cause trouble).
Ovi, I understand where you are. You were created for a purpose, and God's love for you is so great that it's unimaginable. I will be praying for you to discover the Love that passes all understanding. ❤️
 
I've been avoiding sharing this topic as I didn't want to cause any trouble on the forum or bother others too much. As hard as I try to be alright things have gotten very difficult to manage. On the 29th of last month, it was my baby's anniversary and she would have been 3 years old this year. Every summer for the last 3 years now I have started getting severe depression episodes at the start of the summer and in August it gets the worst, emotional issues I can handle at times and they are easier to hide or go through until they pass away. But when it affects me physically it can be close to debilitating not being able to take deep breaths, hyperventilating, hand tremors and heart palpitations that I can feel even in my temples and on my jugular vein.
The anxiety medication I take is helping my baseline level of anxiety and I have a bit quicker recovery from anxiety attacks but I can still reach the peak in the worst-case scenarios. One minor case gave me quite a punch 3 weeks ago and one week late,r right before my yearly week off in August (26th to 1st), I had a really bad situation and it pushed me off into very severe depression and anxiety attack and had my 2nd suicide attempt this year. I spent the night crying on my dog on the couch so much that I had to give her a bath in the morning because she was soaked in tears and blood. I did not end up in the hospital and I am recovering fine on my own, the week off I barely got out of the house and mostly to walk my dog which gave me some space to get my anxiety lower. Today I had another depression episode and I felt like my chest and my muscles were being crushed and I could hardly breathe, luckily it lasted only a few hours but I feel exhausted emotionally.

I am waiting from Cruise Bereavement for therapy after Somerset Foundation House asked me to contact them while I wait for them for therapy as well, which might happen sometime this month or next month. I will contact my GP tomorrow morning to see if I can double my medication with their consent and try to stabilise but with medication, I am always worried about the impact it might have on my motivation and creativity (which is down the drain as it is right now anyway).

At the moment the most helpful thing I have found is to keep my mind off by playing some old favourite games from my childhood, Command & Conquer 3: Tiberium Wars and the expansion Kane's Wrath. I got Red Dead Redemption for my Nintendo Switch as I never got to play the game since it was an XBox exclusive for such a long time and I've been playing that as well.

I wish I could say I know how to fix myself or how I can be better but I don't, if I did I would have tried years ago. All I can do is try to keep this broken sinking ship afloat with tape and cork plugs even though it keeps getting new holes and takes on more water. One more month and I get my yearly October time off and maybe just maybe I can find the will to do some autumn landscape photography and get some macro shots of mushrooms before the annual winter depression sinks in from all the dull grey and almost no daylight with constant rain.

I am really sorry if this will upset anyone as it is a very dark and difficult topic (I can delete the post if it does cause trouble).
Ovi, by all means, if sharing this is what you want and need, go ahead.

I am (and have been) deeply sorry to read about your situation. Even though it can seem like a cliché, speaking up can help, and we've worked hard to build a community within which this is possible. If it feels right to you, be our guest.

What is even more important, though, is seeking out help, which you, Ovi, are doing.

To everyone, and specifically to everyone who does have some experience and/or specific knowledge: Feel free to provide information on offers and services, professional and private, who provide help to those who need it. Links and even phone numbers are welcome. Please be as specific and precise as possible - country, reach/scope, all relevant facts are desirable.

But please, stay away from posting recipes and recommendations for treatment, even if they may work for you! If you're not a physician or psychiatrist, you may cause more harm than good, as good as your intentions may be, especially if you're talking about drugs that (have to) affect neurological functions. I'm a trained first responder for psychological emergencies, but I'd never (never!) go so far as to a) diagnose a condition or b) propose treatment. That's an expert's job. Remember: Suffering, however severe and extended, doesn't make you an expert on the suffering of others. You wouldn't want to live with the consequences if something went wrong.

For those who feel affected or even triggered by what you read: Check in with someone who can help or at least provide support until someone who can arrives - as soon as possible. The best point in time is right now. Seek (professional) help as soon as possible - or have someone help you do so. Don't be afraid of reaching out, don't feel ashamed. It's what you need at this point in time.

Ovi, I was deeply saddened to read about your loss when you first told us about it, and you have my sincere sympathy for all past and current suffering. I cannot imagine how crushing all this must feel. At present, I only wish you had had the time to get help before hitting rock bottom, and I do hope you can find it and get it now, as soon as possible. If you can, get someone to check on you regularily for as long as things are really rough - for as much as we'd like to help you directly, we're not close enough nor near enough to be able to do so.

M.
 
I’m sorry to hear the passage of several years hasn’t yet seemed to dull the pain, Ovi.

I think all of us have dealt with some level of mental heath issues, and all of us in our own unique ways. Like others, I’ve had some lifelong depression come and go, and when I was younger, debilitating anxiety attacks. So, albeit for completely different reasons, I can empathize. I’d be lying if I told you I never thought about taking my own life. Sometimes these are intrusive thoughts, outside of myself, and other times, pretty damn well rationed. All I can say is, be patient with yourself. It can take years to find the right drug cocktail that makes life both livable, and that doesn’t have side effects that are intolerable. Sure, there’s some strong stuff that can alleviate the anxiety attacks pretty quickly, but these don’t necessarily help with the underlying depression at all. The only thing I can say with certainty is, this too will pass. This isn’t what the rest of your life will be. And in those trying times, think of the people (or things) that need you the most. Sure, my family would be devastated if I went though with suicide, but to me, the thought of leaving my dog to find me, and possibly have him pass away as well before I’m found, keeps me from doing anything so foolish. Latch on to those things that need you, and live for them.

In the US, there are crisis hotlines, 988, one can call as easy as the emergency 911 number. If you have a similar resource, I’d keep it close by until you get your mental health sorted and back on an even keel.
 
Thank you so much to everyone, this means so much to me and it helps a lot. Being stuck inside my head is very difficult to manage and I don't have anyone I have contact with locally. I do have emergency phone numbers but the issue is when I do have an anxiety attack have almost no control of my own mind and it's near impossible to think myself out of it, best analogy I could guess is when someone is so drunk or so high that they are a completely different person and have no self control.
Yesterday I was in a better mood then I've been in the last 3 weeks but my hands were still trembling from fingers to my shoulders from anxiety. I have gone back into my snail shell for the last 3 weeks as it's my survival mode to try and keep it together until I can get some therapy (if that will help, I don't know).
It's hard enough when I am terrified of the world and the world doesn't like the way I am when I am in survival mode but it's worse when I do finally get to be myself outside of just my house and the world still doesn't like the way I am ... Might as well live by myself on an island because I can't handle people no matter what I do.
Anywho, I have been a bit better in the last 2 days is sharing a few more pictures has improved my mood. Tomorrow I will try to put up some pictures on the wall and try to stay focused on photography. This month it's not going to be easy because I need to catch up financially a bit so I have 6 days of work every week to get some money for my 2nd tattoo next month, my favourite holiday and get ready to do some macro.
I have to compartmentalize myself and focus on as much small chunks of life as I can so I can avoid getting overwhelmed or get distracted when things do go well.

Thank you all for your kindness and help.
 
Good to hear Ovi. Anxiety is pretty crazy to describe, to someone who’s never had a full blow anxiety attack. It’s almost an out of body experience, and the feeling of losing your grip on your senses and reality is, well, very disconcerting. It usually perpetuates the anxiety, and continues to fuel it, as you’re now becoming anxious about that too. I spent a lot of time lying down with my eyes closed, focused on breathing and some basic meditation skills I picked up to help reground myself. It’s no magic pill, but it’s helped me to cope and to lessen the duration of my attacks. If it’s not something you’ve explored, I’d recommend it. I understand we’re trying to avoid giving “medical” advice, and it’s why I’ve not mentioned any of the medications I’ve taken over the years, but this seems like good common sense advice that’s harmless whether you take it or not. Hopefully mods will view it that way, but feel free to remove if you see fit. There’s also a lot to be said for a good “worrystone”…just something to focus on and fiddle with that keeps you in the moment, and not drifting off into madness. Thanks for the update.
 
Good to hear Ovi. Anxiety is pretty crazy to describe, to someone who’s never had a full blow anxiety attack. It’s almost an out of body experience, and the feeling of losing your grip on your senses and reality is, well, very disconcerting. It usually perpetuates the anxiety, and continues to fuel it, as you’re now becoming anxious about that too. I spent a lot of time lying down with my eyes closed, focused on breathing and some basic meditation skills I picked up to help reground myself. It’s no magic pill, but it’s helped me to cope and to lessen the duration of my attacks. If it’s not something you’ve explored, I’d recommend it. I understand we’re trying to avoid giving “medical” advice, and it’s why I’ve not mentioned any of the medications I’ve taken over the years, but this seems like good common sense advice that’s harmless whether you take it or not. Hopefully mods will view it that way, but feel free to remove if you see fit. There’s also a lot to be said for a good “worrystone”…just something to focus on and fiddle with that keeps you in the moment, and not drifting off into madness. Thanks for the update.
Thanks for that, Chris. Sharing experiences and describing methods to help yourself in an emergency is not advice on treatment.

One of my youngest students who is suffering from anxiety as well as panic attacks has just been given something quite like a "worrystone" - a little fluffy soft ball she carries with her (openly, most of the time). After a few weeks of worry whether she could cope with everyday school procedures, she's getting better at it, and her fear of attacks is lessening, at least slightly. For her and her family, this little thing is a big deal.

In short, skills and behaviours that help you cope can make a real difference. And they don't carry the risk of severe side effects or even additional harm.

In fact, they may help everyone - we're all human, life's unpredictable, and encountering overwhelming situations is in the cards for all of us.

M.
 
hank you so much to everyone, this means so much to me and it helps a lot. Being stuck inside my head is very difficult to manage and I don't have anyone I have contact with locally. I do have emergency phone numbers but the issue is when I do have an anxiety attack have almost no control of my own mind and it's near impossible to think myself out of it, best analogy I could guess is when someone is so drunk or so high that they are a completely different person and have no self control.
Yesterday I was in a better mood then I've been in the last 3 weeks but my hands were still trembling from fingers to my shoulders from anxiety. I have gone back into my snail shell for the last 3 weeks as it's my survival mode to try and keep it together until I can get some therapy (if that will help, I don't know).
It's hard enough when I am terrified of the world and the world doesn't like the way I am when I am in survival mode but it's worse when I do finally get to be myself outside of just my house and the world still doesn't like the way I am ... Might as well live by myself on an island because I can't handle people no matter what I do.
Anywho, I have been a bit better in the last 2 days is sharing a few more pictures has improved my mood. Tomorrow I will try to put up some pictures on the wall and try to stay focused on photography. This month it's not going to be easy because I need to catch up financially a bit so I have 6 days of work every week to get some money for my 2nd tattoo next month, my favourite holiday and get ready to do some macro.
I have to compartmentalize myself and focus on as much small chunks of life as I can so I can avoid getting overwhelmed or get distracted when things do go well.

Thank you all for your kindness and help
My panic attacks feel like heart attacks with all the symptoms. Our bodies do strange things when we feel stress. I'm always amazed how God just seems to sweep in and scoop me up when I call out to him. He has literally saved me many times. I'm continuing to pray for you Ovi.
 
@L0n3Gr3yW0lf I'm reading your story and all I can offer you right now is something similar than what @MountainMan79 said before.

There is a fable of Persian origin called "This too shall pass", its message is esentially the following:
When things are bad, remember:
It wont always be this way.
Take one day at a time.

When things are good, remember:
It wont always be this way.
Enjoy every great moment.

Remember, there will be one day when all what you have been going though the last years is going to be a bad memory.
One of my favourite quotes, which I personally used a lot at my darkest hours while dealing with health issues years ago is the following:

Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny. _ CS Lewis

Be resilient.
 
John,

I've away from this thread for a while; I'm so truly sorry about the loss of your brother. The memories do live on, and so does the spirit of him...

Peace,

Edd
Thanks, Edd.

His wife has sent me a copy of his poetry anthology.
His favourite poems, etc, all in about a 300 page A4 book.
They very kindly had it copied, printed and bound at Officeworks for me!

Many of them are also deeply moving for me.
As a young man, I learnt "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner" by heart, and still remember many bits of it, some 60 years later. It's in his anthology.
 
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