I've been avoiding sharing this topic as I didn't want to cause any trouble on the forum or bother others too much. As hard as I try to be alright things have gotten very difficult to manage. On the 29th of last month, it was my baby's anniversary and she would have been 3 years old this year. Every summer for the last 3 years now I have started getting severe depression episodes at the start of the summer and in August it gets the worst, emotional issues I can handle at times and they are easier to hide or go through until they pass away. But when it affects me physically it can be close to debilitating not being able to take deep breaths, hyperventilating, hand tremors and heart palpitations that I can feel even in my temples and on my jugular vein.
The anxiety medication I take is helping my baseline level of anxiety and I have a bit quicker recovery from anxiety attacks but I can still reach the peak in the worst-case scenarios. One minor case gave me quite a punch 3 weeks ago and one week late,r right before my yearly week off in August (26th to 1st), I had a really bad situation and it pushed me off into very severe depression and anxiety attack and had my 2nd suicide attempt this year. I spent the night crying on my dog on the couch so much that I had to give her a bath in the morning because she was soaked in tears and blood. I did not end up in the hospital and I am recovering fine on my own, the week off I barely got out of the house and mostly to walk my dog which gave me some space to get my anxiety lower. Today I had another depression episode and I felt like my chest and my muscles were being crushed and I could hardly breathe, luckily it lasted only a few hours but I feel exhausted emotionally.
I am waiting from Cruise Bereavement for therapy after Somerset Foundation House asked me to contact them while I wait for them for therapy as well, which might happen sometime this month or next month. I will contact my GP tomorrow morning to see if I can double my medication with their consent and try to stabilise but with medication, I am always worried about the impact it might have on my motivation and creativity (which is down the drain as it is right now anyway).
At the moment the most helpful thing I have found is to keep my mind off by playing some old favourite games from my childhood, Command & Conquer 3: Tiberium Wars and the expansion Kane's Wrath. I got Red Dead Redemption for my Nintendo Switch as I never got to play the game since it was an XBox exclusive for such a long time and I've been playing that as well.
I wish I could say I know how to fix myself or how I can be better but I don't, if I did I would have tried years ago. All I can do is try to keep this broken sinking ship afloat with tape and cork plugs even though it keeps getting new holes and takes on more water. One more month and I get my yearly October time off and maybe just maybe I can find the will to do some autumn landscape photography and get some macro shots of mushrooms before the annual winter depression sinks in from all the dull grey and almost no daylight with constant rain.
I am really sorry if this will upset anyone as it is a very dark and difficult topic (I can delete the post if it does cause trouble).
Ovi, by all means, if sharing this is what you want and need, go ahead.
I am (and have been) deeply sorry to read about your situation. Even though it can seem like a cliché, speaking up
can help, and we've worked hard to build a community within which this is possible. If it feels right to you, be our guest.
What is even more important, though, is seeking out help, which you, Ovi, are doing.
To everyone, and specifically to everyone who does have some experience and/or specific knowledge: Feel free to provide information on offers and services, professional and private, who provide help to those who need it. Links and even phone numbers are welcome. Please be as specific and precise as possible - country, reach/scope, all relevant facts are desirable.
But please, stay away from posting recipes and recommendations for treatment, even if they may work for you! If you're not a physician or psychiatrist, you may cause more harm than good, as good as your intentions may be, especially if you're talking about drugs that (have to) affect neurological functions. I'm a trained first responder for psychological emergencies, but I'd never (never!) go so far as to a) diagnose a condition or b) propose treatment. That's an expert's job. Remember: Suffering, however severe and extended, doesn't make you an expert on the suffering of others. You wouldn't want to live with the consequences if something went wrong.
For those who feel affected or even triggered by what you read: Check in with someone who can help or at least provide support until someone who can arrives - as soon as possible. The best point in time is right now. Seek (professional) help as soon as possible - or have someone help you do so. Don't be afraid of reaching out, don't feel ashamed. It's what you need at this point in time.
Ovi, I was deeply saddened to read about your loss when you first told us about it, and you have my sincere sympathy for all past and current suffering. I cannot imagine how crushing all this must feel. At present, I only wish you had had the time to get help before hitting rock bottom, and I do hope you can find it and get it now, as soon as possible. If you can, get someone to check on you regularily for as long as things are really rough - for as much as we'd like to help you directly, we're not close enough nor near enough to be able to do so.
M.