Keeping it together

L0n3Gr3yW0lf

L0n3Gr3yW0lf

Legend
Location
Somerset, UK
Name
Ovi
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Anything for this poor little me?

I have been making quite a few pictures recently but I haven't posted all that much. I've had a lot of severe anxiety for the last few months but it has been most severe last week, with 2 panick attacks and almost another 2 in a row. My motivation has been all time low and quite difficult to concentrate and keep myself safe.
2 days ago I realised I can't function when my body and my own brain are failing me and I have no control over them. I decided, against my personal belief, that I have to go back to medication, started taking Sertraline since yesterday but it will take 6-8 weeks to have a noticeable effect.

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Thank you for the expanded rice cracker

In the last 3 months my baseline anxiety level has been getting lower but the effects of increase anxiety and prolonged uncomfortable situations still have the same level of increase and top out with anxiety based panic attacks. But the swings are a lot more intense from being ok to not being ok.
It's something I've lived with my entire life, though I didn't know what it was or what was going on before I learned about myself, and I think medication will have to be the way I can gain back control for the rest of my life.

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Just checking the nooks and crannies

The weather has been getting warmer though the storms haven't let up as much (being hit by one severe storm for the last 2 days now) and colours are coming back out, which should help with winter depression fading away. Work will slow down next month with literally no extra shifts available (though that poses other problems so I can't afford to go anywhere that requires money ...happily I have my bike for that now).

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We heard you have foodies

I am hoping to start doing more pet portraits soon. I have been working on getting a small portfolio of pictures, mostly random dogs on their walk and at the park. Tried to ask and give free pet pictures to friends and work colleagues and their pets but they are always to busy (or probably have no interest). Camera club members are all skilled enough to do their own so I don't see the point in asking.
Need to get inks and paper for the printer to start printing work and add some incentives for people to try pet portraits.
I tried looking for dog showers but most of them are in big cities and usually quite far away (and not that cheap to get in).

I have been thinking recently that if I can get a handle with artificial light and comfortable with product photography that's something I could get into to earns little bit.

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Sticking that tongue out like licking a lollipop.

Trying to stay busy but also focused and with intent, I haven't made much purpose for photography in the last 15 years, just dreams and hopes. It's time to put some purpose to all of it and grow.

"Hold fast to dreams

For if dreams die

Life is a broken-winged bird

That cannot fly."

The poem Dreams, by Langston Hughes (published 1923)
 
I'm sorry to hear about the anxiety, Ovi. Your photo essay really works, though - I would never have thought to do something like this, but it's great and it works on multiple levels. I can see the struggle you've been going through but also the work you are doing to put your energy into creativity as well as into peaceful habits.

Everybody's anxiety is different, so this is only my own, but I had multiple years of nearly crippling anxiety in my early 30s. It was actually just a different tack to the same kind of nervous energy that I had during adolescence and my 20s, which I experienced as a lot of conflict with family and then as stress through my 20s, but not actual panic attacks until probably around 30.

I did overcome panic attacks and about 75% of the symptoms of my anxiety in the latter half of my 30s, but I can't give an exact reason why. I know that part of what gives one a measure of control over panic attacks is to know (like, actually believe) that they are not going to kill you, and that you won't actually suffer any adverse effects from them, despite the evidence of your senses telling you completely the opposite. I don't think that's something you can just decide to believe. But I suppose I self-directed myself through a sort of cognitive behavioral therapy (without professional help) over the years. Now, I simply care a bit less about the outcomes of any particular situation, and I think that's good for me. I acknowledge, at the same time, that certain serious things could instantly overcome my composure, so I am at the mercy of life and its vagaries, naturally, but aren't we all? I do believe in a Higher Power, and so I have a certain baseline level of optimism about even bad events, but I know from my experiences with anxiety, leading to undiagnosed depression, that hope can be fleeting at times.

All of that to say, I only know myself, but I can tell you that, for myself, it has gotten better. And I do think it will get better for you as well. Your path will probably not look like mine, as it hasn't looked like mine thus far, but I believe it still winds upwards as we come to terms with the complexities of consciousness.
 
Ovi (and Andrew), my heart goes out to you both.

My wife suffers from panic attacks that have their roots in free floating anxiety (in my professional opinion) which runs rampant through her extended family, on both sides, as ADD/ADHD/depression does in mine. So I do understand how frightening and debilitating it can be. She also takes sertraline, which helps somewhat.

As you say, Andrew, even though it feels as if you are going to die, one doesn't. Take a little cheer from that, Ovi.

Having battled ADD/ADHD, PDD (not otherwise defined) and depression all my life, I have considerable empathy for you both.

My advice, FWIW, is don't be too hard on yourself, tell yourself that it will pass (positive self talk), and try to think of the good and positive things in your life (like your beautiful little squirrel, Ovi).

SSRIs (sertraline, Zoloft, etc; SSRI = Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors) will help, and you may have to take it for the rest of your life. Serotonin is the brain's natural "happy juice". They should always be taken as prescribed, and any change should be gradual, as they can have nasty side effects if sudden changes to dosage are made.

You will find considerable support, both here and IRL from those around you, both friends and acquaintances. Often from unlikely sources. Everywhere, people often live lives of quiet desperation, and sharing your troubles will almost certainly lead to support and help with them.

My thoughts are with you, both.
 
Best that I can out it into words is that I have a baseline anxiety (thanks to events in my past, inferiority complex and being an introvert) and this baseline varies depending on my day, week and month has been. The better things go (and less problems) to lower my minimum anxiety is (though the only time it was completely gone was when I was taking Sertraline and Propranolol).
When things get bad, like being in uncomfortable situations or environments, having big issues (like being questioned about my immigration status when proof was already given last year and they didn't know how to check someone's legal status of immigration in UK) that come up one after another (on the same day or the same week) ramps up my anxiety cumulatively.
If I don't have enough time to get the anxiety out of my system it can build up to a point where I can not function properly:
*First sign is uncomfortable feeling and change of mood
*Second stage is hand tremors and chest pain, like sticking a pile of knives in a washing machine and putting it on maximum spin (this is the last stage I can handle reasonably well, I have high pain threshold tolerance and I can handle the chest pains for a couple of hours)
*Third stage I start losing control of my body, I can't take deep breaths because of the chest pains and I start hyperventilating, my muscle tremors extend to my legs and I have difficulty staying on my feet. At this point my brain is starting to malfunction, I can't concentrate and think rationally, I can't look towards people, my brain has trouble connecting with my speech so often I'm unable to talk, express myself or what I think is not what I say.
Forgot to mention this, often I get the sensation of burning (like when you sit to much in the high noon summer sun) under my skin, it starts with the arms but it can grow to my entire body, feeling like burning up. I have checked my temperature with a thermometer multiple times and I have no fever, it's purely psychological problem affecting my physical aspect of my body. It's one of the most painful and unbearable sensation I ever felt.
*Last stage happened a couple of times, I'm sitting down rocking backwards and forwards, my mind is a jumble of bad emotions and thoughts and I'm pretty much unresponsive to the world around me. This happened after I lost my girlfriend and my baby.

But all of these issues I had before the worst part of my life 3 years ago, at that time I didn't knew or understood what was going on and all I got in response to talking about it is knock on wood, don't worry about it, it's all in your head, just be happy, the world/other people have bigger problems then me, etc.

Photography has grown around this issue and in many ways it became a way to cope with anxiety. When I go out with my camera I dive the world into smaller chunks that feel less intimidating, my brain focuses on shapes, patterns, colours, light and shadow play ... The side effect of this is I look vacant and I had people tell me that I walked by without noticing or hearing them which makes me quite antisocial (which is not something I want to be).
I don't do much street photography and when I do want to make some images I try my best not to get people in the image unless it really only works with people as a subject.
Before I got into wildlife photography it was only landscape photography that really gave me the freedom of headspace, to go out (especially remote areas) and think of nothing but exploring, discovery and creation of images. After I got my hands on my first big zoom I got hooked on wildlife because of the freedom to think of nothing else but nature, animals and photography... And again with macro photography which is cheaper to do but still very time consuming (if you do stacking).
Being so curious about everything has led me to many paths and it can be a struggle to just pick a subject or an interest at time ... Not easy going out of the house "loaded-for-bear" when you want to photograph:
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The job I do, support worker for adults with learning disabilities, is a blessing and a curse. I love my job and what I do and I am very happy to help people and make their life better (quite the dichotomy to love helping people that one is afraid of) but the social aspect has a mental and physical cost that I have to accept every day. The job has helped improve my social skills and the "space and time" I need to understand myself and what's going on. I can still have limits and I can still break down ... The 2 panick attacks last week were from the workplace ... And it's a very slow process, like drinking a little bit of poison to build up tolerance.

I have changed quite a bit in the last 10 years as I got older, priority shift, perspective adapt. What used to bother me don't bother me as much, I learned to say NO more and to think about myself a bit more (though I still put everyone else before me) and take mental health more seriously. O can't even imagine how I will be in 10 years (good or bad) when I can barely recognize myself from 2 years ago.

I would like to thank to the friends I have made here since I left m4/3 forum, it has been most of my social life and human contact (outside of work).
This year is going to be full of changes and steps forward ... Maybe (finally) get back into drawing ... Stop (for the 3rd time) playing World of Tanks (my decompression from anxiety and intoxication for my motivation) and focus on art more 😛
 
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Hang in there Ovi. I can not imagine what you are going through but from your posts over the years, I see improvement from what you have posted. Life is definitely a journey and you were dealt some really bad cards with your baby and girlfriend. That would take a toll on all of us and unfortunately it will affect you the rest of your life. Just ask anyone who has lost someone close, particularly a child. Keep posting, I am sure it helps to get it out and also keep taking images. Like you and probably most of us here, photography is an escape and excuse to get out and walk, looking for something interesting to shoot.
 
Hang in there, Ovi (and everyone else) :care:
I also don't have any wisdom to share - other than that sharing your experiences hopefully helps you, as it does others...
It's good (and sad) to hear other people share their struggles - it makes ourselves feel less like an outlier. (Especially in this day of social media - where everyone presents themselves as an effortless sort of "winner")
For me, my mental health pendulum swings back and forth all my life... In a low, it helps me a bit these days to know that it will swing back the other way at some point (but it doesn't always help)

Numbing my brain (like with surfing the internet, doing "window-shopping" for camera-gear) doesn't help - usually makes it worse... Trying to go out and be creative helps a lot more (but it's of course harder to get out and do the things that are actually good for you)...
I'm currently in another low, after an exhausting international move for a job... Having a "was this all another mistake" sort of week... This morning I had to get out of the house - and I'm glad I did... It was a nice morning - and listening to the birds and getting caught up "in the zone" of photography helped a lot to calm my anxiety...

As for wanting to "photograph everything" - my best experiences with that are with micro-four-thirds and one of their standard zooms (like the 43 12-60mm, or the m43 12-100mm). They are great allrounders - and good for macro/close-up too... 🙂
 
Just a very small addition to the positive messages and experiences already shared:
SSRI drugs like the one you started taking (again) do really work even if the effect may seem subtle at first. Just as importantly, any side effects you may encounter initially fade with time. Some like nausea go away after days, others like tiredness take a bit longer but the body will adjust eventually (in a way that's beneficial to you)!
 
Things have been going quite odd. I am on almost one month of Sertraline medication, 50 mg, but it is having to strong of an effect on me.
After 3 weeks I have been losing a lot of motivation and interest, my minimum anxiety is extremely low and my mind has been so much more free but I have trouble with what to do with all this "empty space". My OCD has lowered considerably as well which is breaking my personality because so much of who I have been for the last 20 years was built around the anxiety.
I have trouble falling asleep at night and (on my days off) waking up in the morning has been very difficult because I just want to stay asleep and in bed. Often sleeping 16 hours and waking up mid-day.
Photography is affected as well, I can't think of reasons or wants to pick up the camera. Haven't gone out much on my time off and most of the pictures I have made and posted recently were made when I was doing other things as well.
Sertraline has helped with managing anxiety when I had to go to Taunton and having to be in social situations and quite noisy environments has not affected me more then a few hours (off medication it would take at least one day to get my anxiety back down).

I did have a mental breakdown on Sunday evening which was pretty severe, self harm situation, so I know Sertraline doesn't fix that problem but I recovered quicker and I have more space before I end up having a mental breakdown.
Since Sunday I have lowered my doze to half pill, 25 mg, to get the side effects more under control and give my brain some time to adapt to the changed in my personality because it's extremely scary to be so disconnected. It's the same thing that happend 2 years ago after my girlfriend passed away and I couldn't cope with anxiety, I had to get off the medication because I was more or less a zombie after a few months of it.

This time I need to find a balance between losing control of my body and mind when my anxiety is to much and I get into anxiety attack and disconnection between my personality, who and how I want to be as a person, and my motivation and purpose.

With photography it's becoming quite worrying because for so many years I have used photography as an anxiety control tool. Separating the world into chunks that I can more easily manage and not be overwhelmed by, making my brain focus on specific parts, like shadows and light, colours, shapes, subjects and moments. Going out to the forests and fields to do wildlife photography to get away from everything else. Even staying up after a night shift out in the forest to detox the anxiety build up.
I don't want to lose interest and my passion for photography even if it means losing the chance of anxiety free life.
 
I've had most of the 'normal' medications and found the side effects often as bad as the condition. It amazes me that they are still allowed to be prescribed as they are. Possibly the only one I found effective was Valdoxan, which unfortunately they still won't put on the Pharmaceutical Benefits Scheme in Oz. That doesn't make it ridiculously expensive, but its not cheap. The other issue is my doctor wanted regular (more) blood tests due to some potential side effects.
What I have also tried (on recommendation from a friend who had similar issues) is vitamin D. I won't state the dosage as it is above what some recommend and under what others do. However, it seems to help and with some mental ju-jitsu that covers the worst symptoms, although it doesn't prevent some bad days. Abstinence from alcohol certainly helps a lot.
 
IanE said:
I've had most of the 'normal' medications and found the side effects often as bad as the condition. It amazes me that they are still allowed to be prescribed as they are. Possibly the only one I found effective was Valdoxan, which unfortunately they still won't put on the Pharmaceutical Benefits Scheme in Oz. That doesn't make it ridiculously expensive, but its not cheap. The other issue is my doctor wanted regular (more) blood tests due to some potential side effects.
What I have also tried (on recommendation from a friend who had similar issues) is vitamin D. I won't state the dosage as it is above what some recommend and under what others do. However, it seems to help and with some mental ju-jitsu that covers the worst symptoms, although it doesn't prevent some bad days. Abstinence from alcohol certainly helps a lot.
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Thanks. I don't know much about medication, the only ones I have been so far are Sertraline and Propranolol.
I will have to out some Vitamin D supplements on my shopping list for next month's food shopping.

Alcohol is not a problem. I have a hate relationship with alcohol (coming from alcoholic broken family) and I have been sober for the last 15 years, never going to touch that stuff ever again.
 
Good to hear about the absence of booze in the equation.

The problem I've found is that most (if not all) GPs do not differentiate between anxiety and depression, thus they throw the usual barrage of SSRIs at you. The vitamin D may just be a placebo, but I have researched as best as I can and have come to the conclusion there could be a basis of fact. However, I am not a chemist, scientist or such, just an avid researcher of all things. I do suggest strongly that you look into Valdoxan.

In regard to little things that might help with anxiety, do what you can to remove some of the agents that cause it, so use calendars extensively to record everything you need to do, thus minimize that middle of the night waking and worrying 'have I paid that...' sort of thing. Plan meticulously any trips you are going on, GPS, Google maps, paper route notes and that sort of thing to remove concerns as much as possible.
 
Ovi...sounds dreadful!
And I cannot begin to imagine how you feel.
We all live under a cloud of depression...Especially nowadays ( THE WORLDS FU#£ED!!) Thats why I sign out of All social media every once in a while...it helps re-align whats important!
Hoping you are able to stay strong and positive and get back to some kind of Normal and happy place .
Hang in there Bud❤️
 
scottR said:
Ovi...sounds dreadful!
And I cannot begin to imagine how you feel.
We all live under a cloud of depression...Especially nowadays ( THE WORLDS FU#£ED!!) Thats why I sign out of All social media every once in a while...it helps re-align whats important!
Hoping you are able to stay strong and positive and get back to some kind of Normal and happy place .
Hang in there Bud❤️
Click to expand...
No its not the same Scott, as I'm sure others will attest. I'm sure that your acknowledgement is appreciated of course. Abstinence from anxiety is not optional like opting out of FaecesBook; it is something that you cannot get away from, perhaps apart for a short time.
 
IanE said:
No its not the same Scott, as I'm sure others will attest. I'm sure that your acknowledgement is appreciated of course. Abstinence from anxiety is not optional like opting out of FaecesBook; it is something that you cannot get away from, perhaps apart for a short time.
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Hi Ian
I wasn't trying to say that , i was merely offering a friendly ear to a comrade who clearly has issues greater than I could ever fully grasp.
Btw I have a teenage daughter who is fighting with her demons and had various treatments and counselling over last 3 years!
Which I dont personally want to share online.
Pretty much sums up why social media can be So So Wrong at times...and things can get So Misconstrued.
All the best
Scott.
 
scottR said:
Hi Ian
I wasn't trying to say that , i was merely offering a friendly ear to a comrade who clearly has issues greater than I could ever fully grasp.
Btw I have a teenage daughter who is fighting with her demons and had various treatments and counselling over last 3 years!
Which I dont personally want to share online.
Pretty much sums up why social media can be So So Wrong at times...and things can get So Misconstrued.
All the best
Scott.
Click to expand...
If it helps Scott I don't even have a Facebook account anymore (for the better part of 5 years now. I wasn't using it all that much either, just to stay in contact with some stubborn people who didn't want to try WhatsApp.
As for social media I don't Twitter or Instagram, TikTok us beyond my age as well as SnapChat.
Most of my online presents is this forum and YouTube, for entertainment and education.

I used to be worried about the war in Ukraine, being so close to my country I could easily be ordered to be drafted in the army in case of war. But my worries about that have pass by now.

What's "broken" about me and of me have been since childhood but I grew up in a household where one was made to think it's all in your head, don't think about it and move on, so I ignored or never understand any of them until mid 20s. I am still learning now and it's not as easy or straightforward to know what's wrong or why or how to fix it. I wasn't even able to say all of these things until recently and having "it" outside my mind makes it feel more real and tangible then just thinking that I am crazy.
 
This series with the squirrels is just wonderful, Ovi.
I can feel with you as to fits of anxiety and panic, I've had them too so many times. And when panic subsides and there's just darkness within. Wishing you that the medication helps and frees you of these attacks.
 
scottR said:
Hi Ian
I wasn't trying to say that , i was merely offering a friendly ear to a comrade who clearly has issues greater than I could ever fully grasp.
Btw I have a teenage daughter who is fighting with her demons and had various treatments and counselling over last 3 years!
Which I dont personally want to share online.
Pretty much sums up why social media can be So So Wrong at times...and things can get So Misconstrued.
All the best
Scott.
Click to expand...
I was not intending to deprecate what you said Scott, just that you cannot selectively switch on or off this condition. I have friends that have been through all sorts of horrible situations and have significant issues with life, for example peace-keeping ops in Africa. Social media is an antagonist, but not the cause.
 

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