L0n3Gr3yW0lf
Hall of Famer
- Location
- Somerset, UK
- Name
- Ovi
It has taken me quite a few weeks to write an update of how things are holding up for me. Especially because things went pretty bad last week from basically being honest and open.
But first, since my last writing, I am still in the middle of my Stabilisation Therapy which is pre-Therapy before proper Therapy. I had to ask to increase my medication of Venlafaxine from one pill per day (75mg) to two (150mg) because I've been having more frequent panic attacks and full on meltdowns in the last 5 months. With seasonal depression kicking in, holiday depression kicking off, more responsibility and stress at work, it all started to bubble under the surface.
There are some improvements though, I've been able to recover better and more quickly from panic attacks and meltdowns, I am re-learning how to hide my problems and isolate myself from people who could cause more issues, I've been able to be more rational with my own thought.
Also photography has gotten more interesting though it has slowed down and I haven't been making as many trips and pictures as I wanted. I'm sure some of the peeps have noticed my activity on the Purchase thread (for good or bad).
Today I have worked a little bit on Mission Ovi and I can't wait to share my first attempt.
My hopes for the Boop The Nose project has been delayed for a little bit.
I have added a Canon Selphy CP1500 mini printer to make prints in an affordable format and get a bit more creativity to counteract the depression and anxiety.
I have a friend who was in very big trouble and they needed a place to stay to be safe. I offered my spare bedroom and I am trying to get used to having someone else live in the house but it's not easy, even knowing this person I still get some anxiety and stress. But I am getting along quite well with their little black Pug and he loves me to bits, he spends some nights sleeping in my bed with me and my little girl.
I was smothered in affection this morning by both of them.
Now for some dark truth. I am not doing well overall because my depression has pushed me over the edge. I have had crying episodes at work and at home and some work colleagues have been inquisitive of my state. I don't want to lie, I don't like lying and I can't hide myself well anymore, so eventually I opened up to a few people and this honest and openness has put me under an investigation at the workplace. It was nothing nefarious or dangerous but I have made some people very uncomfortable and unsettled and this has reminded me why I can't fit myself in the world/society. There's always a cost to me when I try to be social or to be truthful. And this has cost me my sanity where I had a meltdown that has ended with physical harm (no deadly, but permanent). This self hatred and self loathing feeds on all these events and negativity of my personality (querks, defects, inabilities) that people have of me.
I am struggling to find safe places and purpose even with the self improvement from reflections and a little bit out outside assistance.
I haven't mentioned this but Lucas (my little jumping spider) passed away on Christmas and I've been trying to not think about it to much.
2 weeks ago we lost a resident due to sudden heart attack and he was one of my favourites because of his sweetness and lived with severe anxiety and panic attacks from being abused in the health system in the 70s with straight jacket and isolation because he was autistic. I could relate to how he feels so much that it made a bond between us.
Now we have another resident, that is dear to me, on End of Life Support and I don't know how I dan handle it.
At the moment I am still waiting for support from the deployment department from my therapist to help me find a job that is more suited to my limitations and difficulties. I am hoping to find a job where I can work more with animals then people, if possible like a dog shelter or dog day care. That is my only recourse I have left to take because I really don't want to be unemployed and on benefits. I don't want to take advantage of my state and of a system that people in worse situations need it more then I do. Hell, I would give anything to have a more peaceful life right now.
Right now my road to recovery feels like the effect of Poking in while pulling back the camera, the road keeps getting longer and longer.
But first, since my last writing, I am still in the middle of my Stabilisation Therapy which is pre-Therapy before proper Therapy. I had to ask to increase my medication of Venlafaxine from one pill per day (75mg) to two (150mg) because I've been having more frequent panic attacks and full on meltdowns in the last 5 months. With seasonal depression kicking in, holiday depression kicking off, more responsibility and stress at work, it all started to bubble under the surface.
There are some improvements though, I've been able to recover better and more quickly from panic attacks and meltdowns, I am re-learning how to hide my problems and isolate myself from people who could cause more issues, I've been able to be more rational with my own thought.
Also photography has gotten more interesting though it has slowed down and I haven't been making as many trips and pictures as I wanted. I'm sure some of the peeps have noticed my activity on the Purchase thread (for good or bad).
Today I have worked a little bit on Mission Ovi and I can't wait to share my first attempt.
My hopes for the Boop The Nose project has been delayed for a little bit.
I have added a Canon Selphy CP1500 mini printer to make prints in an affordable format and get a bit more creativity to counteract the depression and anxiety.
I have a friend who was in very big trouble and they needed a place to stay to be safe. I offered my spare bedroom and I am trying to get used to having someone else live in the house but it's not easy, even knowing this person I still get some anxiety and stress. But I am getting along quite well with their little black Pug and he loves me to bits, he spends some nights sleeping in my bed with me and my little girl.
Join to see EXIF info for this image (if available)
I was smothered in affection this morning by both of them.
Now for some dark truth. I am not doing well overall because my depression has pushed me over the edge. I have had crying episodes at work and at home and some work colleagues have been inquisitive of my state. I don't want to lie, I don't like lying and I can't hide myself well anymore, so eventually I opened up to a few people and this honest and openness has put me under an investigation at the workplace. It was nothing nefarious or dangerous but I have made some people very uncomfortable and unsettled and this has reminded me why I can't fit myself in the world/society. There's always a cost to me when I try to be social or to be truthful. And this has cost me my sanity where I had a meltdown that has ended with physical harm (no deadly, but permanent). This self hatred and self loathing feeds on all these events and negativity of my personality (querks, defects, inabilities) that people have of me.
I am struggling to find safe places and purpose even with the self improvement from reflections and a little bit out outside assistance.
I haven't mentioned this but Lucas (my little jumping spider) passed away on Christmas and I've been trying to not think about it to much.
2 weeks ago we lost a resident due to sudden heart attack and he was one of my favourites because of his sweetness and lived with severe anxiety and panic attacks from being abused in the health system in the 70s with straight jacket and isolation because he was autistic. I could relate to how he feels so much that it made a bond between us.
Now we have another resident, that is dear to me, on End of Life Support and I don't know how I dan handle it.
At the moment I am still waiting for support from the deployment department from my therapist to help me find a job that is more suited to my limitations and difficulties. I am hoping to find a job where I can work more with animals then people, if possible like a dog shelter or dog day care. That is my only recourse I have left to take because I really don't want to be unemployed and on benefits. I don't want to take advantage of my state and of a system that people in worse situations need it more then I do. Hell, I would give anything to have a more peaceful life right now.
Right now my road to recovery feels like the effect of Poking in while pulling back the camera, the road keeps getting longer and longer.