Not the best start for a new year, 2025.

L0n3Gr3yW0lf

Hall of Famer
Location
Somerset, UK
Name
Ovi
It has taken me quite a few weeks to write an update of how things are holding up for me. Especially because things went pretty bad last week from basically being honest and open.

But first, since my last writing, I am still in the middle of my Stabilisation Therapy which is pre-Therapy before proper Therapy. I had to ask to increase my medication of Venlafaxine from one pill per day (75mg) to two (150mg) because I've been having more frequent panic attacks and full on meltdowns in the last 5 months. With seasonal depression kicking in, holiday depression kicking off, more responsibility and stress at work, it all started to bubble under the surface.

There are some improvements though, I've been able to recover better and more quickly from panic attacks and meltdowns, I am re-learning how to hide my problems and isolate myself from people who could cause more issues, I've been able to be more rational with my own thought.

Also photography has gotten more interesting though it has slowed down and I haven't been making as many trips and pictures as I wanted. I'm sure some of the peeps have noticed my activity on the Purchase thread (for good or bad).
Today I have worked a little bit on Mission Ovi and I can't wait to share my first attempt.
My hopes for the Boop The Nose project has been delayed for a little bit.
I have added a Canon Selphy CP1500 mini printer to make prints in an affordable format and get a bit more creativity to counteract the depression and anxiety.

I have a friend who was in very big trouble and they needed a place to stay to be safe. I offered my spare bedroom and I am trying to get used to having someone else live in the house but it's not easy, even knowing this person I still get some anxiety and stress. But I am getting along quite well with their little black Pug and he loves me to bits, he spends some nights sleeping in my bed with me and my little girl.
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I was smothered in affection this morning by both of them.

Now for some dark truth. I am not doing well overall because my depression has pushed me over the edge. I have had crying episodes at work and at home and some work colleagues have been inquisitive of my state. I don't want to lie, I don't like lying and I can't hide myself well anymore, so eventually I opened up to a few people and this honest and openness has put me under an investigation at the workplace. It was nothing nefarious or dangerous but I have made some people very uncomfortable and unsettled and this has reminded me why I can't fit myself in the world/society. There's always a cost to me when I try to be social or to be truthful. And this has cost me my sanity where I had a meltdown that has ended with physical harm (no deadly, but permanent). This self hatred and self loathing feeds on all these events and negativity of my personality (querks, defects, inabilities) that people have of me.
I am struggling to find safe places and purpose even with the self improvement from reflections and a little bit out outside assistance.

I haven't mentioned this but Lucas (my little jumping spider) passed away on Christmas and I've been trying to not think about it to much.
2 weeks ago we lost a resident due to sudden heart attack and he was one of my favourites because of his sweetness and lived with severe anxiety and panic attacks from being abused in the health system in the 70s with straight jacket and isolation because he was autistic. I could relate to how he feels so much that it made a bond between us.
Now we have another resident, that is dear to me, on End of Life Support and I don't know how I dan handle it.

At the moment I am still waiting for support from the deployment department from my therapist to help me find a job that is more suited to my limitations and difficulties. I am hoping to find a job where I can work more with animals then people, if possible like a dog shelter or dog day care. That is my only recourse I have left to take because I really don't want to be unemployed and on benefits. I don't want to take advantage of my state and of a system that people in worse situations need it more then I do. Hell, I would give anything to have a more peaceful life right now.

Right now my road to recovery feels like the effect of Poking in while pulling back the camera, the road keeps getting longer and longer.
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Well, we are real people here too, and opening up to us helps understand what you are going through. Depression as well as crippling anxiety are no strangers around here unfortunately. It sounds like the loss of Lucas (R.I.P.) and your autistic resident have stressed you out a lot recently.

I'm nowhere near being even a pretend doctor on the Internet but when I read the Wiki for Venlafaxine, especially the adverse effects, it rings those warning bells in my head. I wonder if you could be safer/do better on a combination of Prozac and some other medication that might be stronger/more specific against anxiety.

It sounds like your resident pooches have the right idea, but you might give yourself a bit more credit. You may have crying jags (who doesn't these days?), but when I read your post, I see you are taking numerous steps to help yourself. Please take good care of yourself and don't give up; I think you are actually closer to getting past this than you can see right now.

Virtual hugs! 😺 :care:👍
 
At the moment I am still waiting for support from the deployment department from my therapist to help me find a job that is more suited to my limitations and difficulties. I am hoping to find a job where I can work more with animals then people, if possible like a dog shelter or dog day care. That is my only recourse I have left to take because I really don't want to be unemployed and on benefits. I don't want to take advantage of my state and of a system that people in worse situations need it more then I do. Hell, I would give anything to have a more peaceful life right now.
A change of careers may turn out to be the big boost you need. Mrs. Kevin worked in accounting & similar office positions since she had graduated school and gotten her first degree but as the years went on it was obvious that 'office drama' was taking a toll on her. There are days when she'd come home crying and it was affecting her home life. She had never quit a job in her life though and when she tried talking to her family about it they were not exactly supportive. It took some time and lots of encouragement but I was finally able to get her to agree that a change in careers was in order. Long story short, she is now a teacher working with kids at an early education center and loves it. There were a few speeds bumps along the way, like her parents telling her she was "wasting" her first degree and she'll never make the same amount of money she did before, but we got her past that as well once she accepted that the change was something that she needed for her and nobody else. She has since gone back to school and got another degree in her new field, along with several various certifications, and is a much (much) happier person in life.

A career change alone may not be ultimate answer for you but I can least say from personal experience with somebody that I care about that I've seen how much of an impact it can have for the positive.

I was smothered in affection this morning by both of them.
My wife has accepted that I'd rather stay home with our dog than partake in any kind of socializing with other people. Dogs are the best. 👍
 
Ovi, I wish you all the best from a long day's journey into night to a long night's journey into day.
Fighting with anxieties and depressions is tough, and most of these pills only treat the symptoms, not the causes. I quite agree with @CatsAreGods that you are on a good road taking your diverse steps to help yourself. Of course professional help is needed in states of anxiety and depression.

Since you love animals so much it might be a good alternative to get into professional work with animals. The way I see you reflecting your situation, the clear view you have on what triggers your anxieties and your good access to your strong feelings about the loss of your favourite creature or your much-loved resident is for me a good sign that you can get out of all this. I wish you a good psychologist who helps you to strengthen your own powers of self-help instead of just making you throw in pills.

A good friend of mine who died last year from cancer used to fall into deep depressions quite often. One day, when I went to see her, she was in such a state and spoke quite openly about it for the first time. I listened to her for quite some time, not judging or evaluating things, just lending a sympathetic understanding ear.

When there was some silence for a while, I said to her that many people have such bouts of depressive states. And I added that when she felt utterly at the bottom the next time she could make an attempt not to react to it (with going even more deeply into it) but to respond. I suggested to her the following way to respond to it:

“Accept that you are at the bottom. Feel it. Tell yourself that you are at the deepest point. Feel it ... don't fight it ... feel it intensely. And if it makes you cry, let the tears come freely. Accept your feelings as they are. And then make it clear to yourself that as you are at the deepest point now, it can only go upwards from now on.”

When I met her the next time she told me that this proposal did not keep depression from her, but it helped her get out of it again faster.

Wishing you all the best, Ovi. Keep going on photo outings. Being in the photographic flow prevents your mind for the time being to get occupied with anxieties and fears. And don't forget: you have a fan community here that loves your special look at the world around you.
 
Well, we are real people here too, and opening up to us helps understand what you are going through. Depression as well as crippling anxiety are no strangers around here unfortunately. It sounds like the loss of Lucas (R.I.P.) and your autistic resident have stressed you out a lot recently.

I'm nowhere near being even a pretend doctor on the Internet but when I read the Wiki for Venlafaxine, especially the adverse effects, it rings those warning bells in my head. I wonder if you could be safer/do better on a combination of Prozac and some other medication that might be stronger/more specific against anxiety.

It sounds like your resident pooches have the right idea, but you might give yourself a bit more credit. You may have crying jags (who doesn't these days?), but when I read your post, I see you are taking numerous steps to help yourself. Please take good care of yourself and don't give up; I think you are actually closer to getting past this than you can see right now.

Virtual hugs! 😺 :care:👍
Thank you for your support. I am reluctant to try other medications because I had the most horrible time on antidepressants and other anxiety medications and Venlafaxine seems to be the only one that works well for me with almost no side effects (if I don't miss medication). I have actually missed my medication because I ran out and within the 2nd day of no medication I was basically having hallucinations. My doctor and my therapist mentioned that I should not have any issues with 2 or 3 days of missing medication but I was having problems. In the same way they said I should not feel any change or improvements starting on new medication for at least 2 weeks and yet I was feeling so much better on the 2nd day. I don't know if it's just in my head but Venlafaxine has been one of the better improvements for me last year. I don't think we have Prozac here in UK but having anxiety medication and antidepressants at the same time will pretty much turn me into a zombie and I don't want to go back there because I don't think I have the strength to come off the medication on my own ... and it will take photography away from me.
A change of careers may turn out to be the big boost you need. Mrs. Kevin worked in accounting & similar office positions since she had graduated school and gotten her first degree but as the years went on it was obvious that 'office drama' was taking a toll on her. There are days when she'd come home crying and it was affecting her home life. She had never quit a job in her life though and when she tried talking to her family about it they were not exactly supportive. It took some time and lots of encouragement but I was finally able to get her to agree that a change in careers was in order. Long story short, she is now a teacher working with kids at an early education center and loves it. There were a few speeds bumps along the way, like her parents telling her she was "wasting" her first degree and she'll never make the same amount of money she did before, but we got her past that as well once she accepted that the change was something that she needed for her and nobody else. She has since gone back to school and got another degree in her new field, along with several various certifications, and is a much (much) happier person in life.

A career change alone may not be ultimate answer for you but I can least say from personal experience with somebody that I care about that I've seen how much of an impact it can have for the positive.


My wife has accepted that I'd rather stay home with our dog than partake in any kind of socializing with other people. Dogs are the best. 👍
Understandable. I have quite a similar mindset family as well, very unsupportive to down right demeaning and abusive. I can't blame anyone for what happened at work because I was the cause of it, I admit having feelings for someone at work and I've been reported for making the person I talked to uncomfortable even though they insisted on the conversation and that person told to the person I like making them uncomfortable of me. The basic truth it is I am the cause of making those people uncomfortable and there's no other way I can fix this unless I leave this job.
But I do want to leave the job because I can't handle the anxiety and stress of working around so many work colleagues, I've spent the last 5 years getting very anxious from the workplace and coming home and all I can do is try to release the anxiety only to start all over again when I go back to work. I've been basically full time jobbing and full time anxiety managing for 5 years now, something has to give.
Man, I think a change of career where you could avoid the pressure would be amazing for you. I'm praying that it happens!
Thank you. I don't think there is a job that doesn't have some kind of pressure, but hopefully I can find one where I can manage the pressure better and help reduce my anxiety to a level where I can still be a functional productive member of society.
 
Jeez, Ovi, I feel so bad for you. I don't know what to say but then I know that, being married to a clinically depressed woman for over 40 years, the best thing for ME to do is to just shut up and listen. Because I know that I can't possibly imagine what it is you are feeling. And we are all listening. Hang in their brother, you are loved
 
Thank you. I don't think there is a job that doesn't have some kind of pressure, but hopefully I can find one where I can manage the pressure better and help reduce my anxiety to a level where I can still be a functional productive member of society.
I think that is key. Every job has pressure, but I've noticed in my own past the difference between feeling like I'm effectively moving forward and creating something good, versus when my goals seem unattainable, or, perhaps worse, when I feel like I'm going backwards. Whether the psyche rises to meet the challenge or shrinks back from it - I wish it were easy for all of us to find what type of work and what position really allows us to play from a position of strength.

At the same time, the unfortunate necessity of working to, you know, not starve and get thrown out into the cold can have a way of stripping away parts of our humanity until we feel empty, harried and unable to see a way forward. I wish the social safety nets could be used to effectively pivot into meaningful work when this happens, but that's just not how things seem to work all the time.
 
Thank you for your support. I am reluctant to try other medications because I had the most horrible time on antidepressants and other anxiety medications and Venlafaxine seems to be the only one that works well for me with almost no side effects (if I don't miss medication). I have actually missed my medication because I ran out and within the 2nd day of no medication I was basically having hallucinations. My doctor and my therapist mentioned that I should not have any issues with 2 or 3 days of missing medication but I was having problems. In the same way they said I should not feel any change or improvements starting on new medication for at least 2 weeks and yet I was feeling so much better on the 2nd day. I don't know if it's just in my head but Venlafaxine has been one of the better improvements for me last year. I don't think we have Prozac here in UK but having anxiety medication and antidepressants at the same time will pretty much turn me into a zombie and I don't want to go back there because I don't think I have the strength to come off the medication on my own ... and it will take photography away from me.
Well, you know best when it comes to meds. I didn't know your history with meds but I was just concerned based on some of the things you said after reading Wiki. But definitely don't do anything that will take photography away! That's what I turned to after my father died and I can honestly say I am no longer depressed, despite lots of crazy stuff happening around here in the past two years.

P.S. I also got off Prozac on my own (after picking up a camera again). I'm still prone to anxiety (for good reason!) but nothing like what my wife is going through.
 
I'm not really qualified to address what you are feeling other than to say I think almost everyone has gone through, or will go through, times in their lives where nothing seems to fit and all is hopeless. When everyone seems to be on the other side and despite your best efforts to stay afloat and fit in, you feel like your drowning in a lonely sea of panic. No one seems to hear your pleas, and the sense of helplessness gives in to depression.
You sound like you're a long way from giving up as you are pro actively making the life course corrections you need to make to get back on the road. You have not lost hope. There may be more wrong turns ahead but if you keep driving, you'll find your way.
I can tell you that for me, when my voice falls on deaf ears and I feel I'm screaming into the vacuum of space, no one gives me more comfort and understanding than my dog. Despite not knowing the language, she always seems to find the right words to comfort me. The two on your chest in your picture appear to know exactly what I mean. They certainly can often offer a welcoming bridge over troubled waters.
I hope the best for you, keep plugging away. All of us on here thoroughly enjoy your images. You and your images fit in perfectly here, so be sure to keep showing us where your camera takes you. You contribute and make a difference in our life's journey. Thank you.
 
Ovi, firstly, I will echo what others have said. This is a decent and caring community, and sharing what you are feeling and going through is as safe to do here as anywhere I've ever experienced.

My own experience of working in a large group environment was very poor.
I spent nearly 20 years in the federal public service here, getting to a moderately senior position. My staff liked or tolerated me, my superiors generally hated my guts ...

I was having suicide ideation around 50 to 100 times a day. Seriously not good. I've been diagnosed with ADD and ADHD, and Pervasive Development Disorder (not otherwise defined). I've got a ridiculously high IQ, and almost non-existent people skills. None of these things militate towards forming easy relationships with people. I tend not to suffer fools gladly ...

I understand about the antidepressants. My psychiatrist tried me on four different types, none of which worked as advertised. I have weird reactions to many medications and these were no different. As best I can remember, these were benzodiazapines, MAO inhibitors, RIMAs, and SSRIs.

All had bad or unwanted side effects. Fast forward about four years.

Then, in a flash of insight, he said to me "John, you've never slept well, have you?". I replied "Not since puberty, Doc.". I was then in my early/mid fifties.

He then said "I think that if we can get you to sleep better, your depression and suicide ideation will ameliorate."

We discussed several classes of medication, and settled on Rivotril (Clonazepam, 250 micrograms a day, about 2-3 hours before bedtime). It's an anti-epileptic medication, we both knew that I would rapidly become dependent on it (not addicted), and I am. If I don't take it, my sleep goes to shit immediately. I've been taking a tiny dose of this for over 20 years now.

He was right on the money. My suicide ideation has dropped down to around every week or two, and I can manage living a bit better.

More importantly, I'm still here, and still married to my long suffering wife of over 40 years.

All the best with it, my friend. We are all here for you 💞.
 
Ovi, Just try to hang on through the rough spots. And Thanks for having the courage to reach out to this group. Like @John King said, this group is decent and caring. Having raised an IDD and lower spectrum autistic son into his 3rd decade, I know the rough spots are seemly overwhelming. While professional therapy has helped, it is really the joy of photography that has keep me going. That is why personal photo projects like a daily photo project mean so much to me (now in my fifth year with no end in sight). Beyond that I find yoga, meditation, and music all can uplift the spirit.
Know we are hear to listen and support.
You are in my thoughts and I send out the best vibes possible in your direction.
 
Sorry I'm a bit late onto this thread. I read through it a couple of times yesterday and didn't know what to say or add.

But I'm reminded of the kindness that was shown to me here a few years ago (I won't burden you with the details) but people were very kind and supportive, and it helped at the time.

So, to repeat what's been said several times above, all the best and I hope things improve for you before long.

-R
 
Sorry you are going through difficult times Ovi. I understand there are no simple fixes. Others have already mentioned that exercise and sleep can help with depression and anxiety, but have you looked into research about nutrition and mental health to see if there are any simple changes that you could make with your diet that might help.

I may regret asking but what 's your Boop The Nose project?
 
Sorry I'm a bit late onto this thread. I read through it a couple of times yesterday and didn't know what to say or add.

But I'm reminded of the kindness that was shown to me here a few years ago (I won't burden you with the details) but people were very kind and supportive, and it helped at the time.
And me too, Richard, when I had a stroke and multiple sub-dural haematomas in early 2024.

I simply cannot believe the good wishes and kindness shown by so many here. I've just finished re-reading the entire thread, and note that it's been viewed over 20,000 times!

This is definitely the most caring forum that I have ever been a member of.

I see that others who have suffered either personal misfortune or health problems have been similarly embraced by the members here.

My sincere thanks to everyone.
So, to repeat what's been said several times above, all the best and I hope things improve for you before long.

-R
Ditto.
 
Sorry you are going through difficult times Ovi. I understand there are no simple fixes. Others have already mentioned that exercise and sleep can help with depression and anxiety, but have you looked into research about nutrition and mental health to see if there are any simple changes that you could make with your diet that might help.

I may regret asking but what 's your Boop The Nose project?
Hai and thank you. Sleep has been pretty okayu, a minimum of 6 hours and average on 9 hours on my days off (with occasional naps as well). Exercise is a bit more difficult beyond my usual outings like doggie walks or photo trips. My weight puts enough pressure on my knees that I can break my kneecaps if I try to jog or run. Until I can lose some weight I have limits on what I can exercise. Losing weight with diet has never gone very well for me, health food can be to expensive and trying to keep consistency and momentul când be very difficult with depression, I have certain months of the year that it's so bad I can't even look after myself properly.

Boop the Nose is a personal project and a promise to myself to spent 2025 meeting as many fluffers and puppers as possible and if they are happy with me and nice to try and get a fisheye closeup of their nose and if I can to book their nose with my finger. I want to use the pictures to make a zine of 30 to 40 images and if I can afford it to do a 100-200 print run and sell them locally. If I can get a good price per print I want to use all the money to our local dog shelter, if not I will try to use the proceeds for the dog shelter.
It's a personal project to get me motivated and excited to go out and meet new dogs and (possibly) people, do what I love which is make images and help however much I can.
 
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